The Failure Paradox: Why Kids Need to Fail to Succeed

Failure: more than just negative feelings

Failure. The word that sends shivers down the spines of overachieving parents everywhere. You know, the ones who think their child getting a C is equivalent to the apocalypse. But let’s be real, failure is as much a part of life as breathing, and it’s time we stopped treating it like the plague.

First of all, I want to clarify that the failure that I’m speaking of is one where, despite of preparation and effort you still failed. Not, failure by procrastination or lack of effort. So, buckle up as we navigate the convoluted maze of parenting tips, where failure isn’t just an option; it’s a rite of passage, a necessary life lesson on the path to success. The failure paradox.

The Failure Paradox — With the right tools, you can turn failure to success.

The “F” Word: Why Parents Hate It

Failure is always persistent in our lives. And it’s always associated with negative feelings, ranging from fear and anxiety to depression. One of the reason for this is because in our own youth, there wasn’t much talk around failure. It was just a bad thing that you had to figure out on your own while you we’re being scolded by your parents.

In my own youth, the word “failure” was seen as a Cardinal sin. If I did fail (which, by my parents standards, meant anything less than an A or B), the comparison game would begin. “Why can’t you be more like [insert overachieving friend’s name here]?” Because nothing says “I love you” like comparing your child to someone else’s. But let’s get academic for a moment. A study titled “Impact of parental discipline methods on the child’s internalization of values” suggests that how parents react to failure can significantly influence a child’s internal values. So, if you’re teaching your kids that failure is the end of the world, don’t be surprised when they grow up with a skewed sense of self-worth. (Ups … Guilty)

The Social Media Mirage

Scroll through your social media feed, and you’ll be bombarded with “inspirational” quotes like “Failure is not an option.” Newsflash: sometimes failure is the only option. Life isn’t a Hollywood fairy tale where everything magically falls into place and everything works out in the end. Sometimes, despite of your best efforts you fail. The key is to not let failure define you, instead, use it as a learning tool.

A paper titled “Parents’ views of failure predict children’s fixed and growth intelligence mind-sets” found that children can accurately perceive their parents’ attitudes toward failure. So, if you’re one of those parents who thinks failure is a cardinal sin, your kids are picking up on that, and it’s affecting their mindset. Not only that, but it also affects their approach to new things in life.

The Corporate Connection

In the world of entrepreneurship, failure is often seen as a stepping stone rather than a stumbling block. A way to gain insight on how to move forward successfully. Industry titans, like Warren Buffett, credit their healthy relationship with failure for a lot of their success. But what’s happening today? Could it be that our collective fear of failure is stifling innovation?

fear of failure has a negative — All the way to the top

A study titled, “How culture moulds the effects of self-efficacy and fear of failure on entrepreneurship”, suggests that fear of failure has a negative impact of an individual’s entrepreneurial entry. The difference between high and low fear of failure can be a deciding factor in whether someone takes the entrepreneurial plunge or not. In simpler terms, the more we fear failure, the less likely we are to take the risks necessary for innovation and entrepreneurship.

So, if we’re teaching our kids that failure is the ultimate sin, what message are we sending about risk-taking, innovation, and entrepreneurship? Time to rethink.

The Two Faces of Failure

Failure is a coin with two faces. On one side, there’s the emotional aspect, which is almost universally negative. Feelings of disappointment, shame, and regret often accompany failure, making it an experience we’d rather avoid. On the flip side, there’s the rational, cognitive aspect of failure that we overlook. This is a treasure trove of learning opportunities that we usually discard just to bury our negative emotions. This overlooked facet is, in fact, an invaluable instrument for growth.

Takeaway

So, how do we teach our kids to fail? First, stop treating failure like it’s a terminal illness. Second, teach them positive coping mechanisms. Third, associate failure with learning not just emotions. Failure is not the enemy, it’s part of life the more importantly it could be an ally in disguise.